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(Pre)Marital Counseling

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1. I am a 24 year old woman from Pune soon getting married to a person who is not from my cast & culture. I have known my fiancé for the last one year and his parents too are extremely loving and supportive of our desire to get married. However, I would be moving in to stay with my in-laws, at least for the initial period. It worries me a lot and gives me sleepless nights when I think of our different cultural backgrounds and the adjustments/changes I would need to make, Please advise.

I am assuming that you have good reasons to move in with your in-laws and that you have made this choice after adequate deliberation. Clearly you are going to have to engage in some active negotiating: You are planning to move into other people’s space, and marking out your own comfortable-enough space will require a high degree of good communication skills, flexibility, capacity for patience and planning.
Perhaps if you think of this as joining a new job where you have to share office space with three colleagues, who have already been there for many years, you might be able to plan better. Just as in the office analogy, you would try and avoid making demands, but respectfully request for the kind of space that you need in order to do your job effectively. The clearer one is about the expectations that others have of us and they are clear about our expectations of them, the better the adjustment.
You would, as in the office situation, quickly try and understand what the power dynamics and interaction rules are and then decide which ones you wish to support and which are the ones that are troubling for you. Having identified what is troubling, you will try and change those respectfully. For a good enough adjustment, we need to respect others as well as respect our own needs. We have to remind ourselves that a perfect adjustment is never possible and we have to try and make the best of the situation. After all, there are very good reasons for why you have chosen to be with these people and those reasons are meant to sustain you through the difficult periods. All the best.


2. I am a 23 year old woman with low self-esteem and am most often depressed. I cannot seek professional help due to familial circumstances. I am unmarried and worry constantly that post-marriage, my husband will dislike my pimple-scarred face and the stretch marks on my body. Marriage scares me as I feel my sex life will suffer due to my lack of beauty, confidence and personality. I am an ordinary girl with no special talents. Is there any hope for me? -

When you say “low self-esteem and am most often depressed,” what we do know immediately is that everything you assess about yourself is unnecessarily framed in negatives. There are usually reasons for why we do this and these reasons cause us to be depressed. Depression is a very common psychological problem and one out of five people has been depressed at some or other time. Counselling/psychotherapy, as well as taking anti-depressants is usually helpful. You may or may not need both. Do try to work out the problem that stops you from seeking professional help.
For now, focusing on the two basic issues you have raised (my husband won’t like to have sex with me because I am not pretty enough and ordinary people with no talent are not normal) allow me to point out that both are based on incorrect assumptions. Enjoying sex relates specifically to the capacity for connecting with another human being, which does however, require a fair amount of comfort with oneself. Second, the world is full of ‘ordinary people with no talent’ who are able to live comfortably and contentedly.
The problem here is that if the frame, which we are using to make sense of the world, is set for a negative viewing then everything that others say becomes one other reason to view ourselves negatively. So, it is quite possible that on reading this you might say that you have reason to be sadder because you are full of incorrect assumptions! What can I say that will make you feel encouraged?
Do at least stay hopeful. The world is full of amazing possibilities... 


3. My husband of two years told me that he would’ve liked to have tried sex with a man – but he won’t do it now that we are married because it would hurt me. Does this mean he is bisexual, or are these harmless fantasies?
Human sexuality is complex and varied just as all human behaviours are. Labelling human behaviours can be a severely limiting exercise. We are influenced by multiple social, cultural, emotional and biological factors. If a village woman in India, looking at pictures of Hawaiian women in their grass skirts, thinks that she would like to try those out but will probably not because the villagers in her community would be shocked, would you worry about her interests? I imagine not.
If I were in your place I would not worry about these disclosures—I might be glad that my husband and I have the kind of open relationship where we can discuss such matters with each other and that my husband is committed to not hurting me. 


4. I cannot stop having one-night stands! It has become addictive and exciting.I am 21 and have had 13 partners already. My parents are keen to get me married in another year or so. How do I get out of this habit in order to be faithful to the relationship I would be getting into?
Sex addiction is similar to any other addictive behaviour, which is driven by unresolved emotional conflicts and subsequently maintained by habituation. Humans are creatures of habit and breaking any habit (ask anyone who has actively tried to change their lifestyle, say, in order to exercise more) requires a determination to do so and then actively finding ways to support the changes. Support groups, such as the Alcoholics Anonymous, or Sexual Addicts Anonymous are helpful in breaking the addictive behaviour reinforcing patterns. I would also recommend going to a clinical psychologist for therapy. Do remember that although we human beings are creatures of habit we can change our habits if we are determined to change. 


5. My husband masturbates in his sleep. I thought he was aware of his activities but when I confronted him, he was shocked, disgusted and really upset. Neither of us knows why this is happening. Could you help us?
I am a little confused. No one masturbates in their sleep. We might fondle our genitals unconsciously; for men there might even be some semen emission as for women there might be a vaginal discharge, but this is similar to any other normal movement in our sleep. Masturbation, per se is a conscious self-stimulating activity. Unless you mean that your husband has a dissociative disorder where he actively engages in behaviours (in an altered state of consciousness) that are normally associated with the waking state. If the former, I would recommend that you and your husband read a basic book on normal human sexuality and forget about it. If the latter, then there are deeper emotional conflicts at play and I would recommend that you go to a clinical psychologist. 


6. I really want to be good at sex. I have numerous books on the subject and I cannot stop thinking about all the different things I want to try. However, when my ‘creativity’ is needed, my body goes numb and my mind goes blank. Do I suffer from performance anxiety?

Yes! All this media focus on SEX!!! is terribly damaging. Sexual activity does not need orchestration or major preparation. Our initial sexual interest increases after the person we are interested in reciprocates and slowly increases from this to a delightful, affirming interactive connection. From that actual connecting all kind of creative activity is generated. Dr Leonore Tiefer, an excellent American sex therapist whom I met recently, likens sexual activity to the enjoyment of music. You can read up on music and learn by heart all the various ragas, scales, etc., but does this ever help you to actually enjoy music? Later, if you want, you can study more deeply, but essential to any successful study is an actual emotional connection with the music that you hear. Without this, all study is sterile. 


7. I met a man who is everything I have ever wanted – caring, intelligent, mature and ready for commitment. The trouble is he lacks a little in the personal hygiene department. The smell of him makes me cringe. I feel shallow for allowing this to get in the way of my happiness. But is there any way I could introduce him to the wonders of soap without hurting his feelings and jeopardizing our relationship?
I do not think that it is shallow to want your romantic partner to not smell bad. You could spend a great deal of time and effort hinting about the “wonders of soap,” while you are afraid to “jeopardize” the relationship. But I can’t imagine that if he knew about the problem, your friend will want you to ignore it. We do rely on our friends to tell us truths that no one else will. Chances are, that if you have made up your mind that this is the right chap for you, telling him that there is some problem that he has that you want to help him overcome, will only bring you closer. If you are truly nervous about telling him, preface your feedback with: I want to tell you something about yourself that is somewhat sensitive. I really want to tell you, but I am worried that you will feel bad and I would never want to hurt you... He might be taken aback initially, but if you give him some time to absorb the feedback he might be glad for it. If he does walk away from the relationship for good, then he can’t be mature and ready for commitment. 


8. I am 25 years old, unmarried, have huge student loans, credit cards debt and no job. All my friends have great careers and happy relationships. I am so jealous I could scream. I just want to cut myself off from everyone until I catch up. Why do I feel this way and what can I do?
Well, if it makes you feel any better you can scream. Although I doubt that’ll help.
Do you know why you are comparing yourself with your friends? Perhaps you will serve yourself better if you decide what you want. As long as you are stuck with this comparison deal you are not going to be able to feel any better and surely you want to do better with your life than playing Catch Up.
I could tell you to get into Positive Thinking, you know the bit about looking at your positives: at least you have an education, etc., but you probably know all about that already. Do set reasonable (that means realistic) goals, work on one goal at a time and when you have achieved a good enough success (remember life does not offer much perfection and the grass looks greener…etc.) in one area, move on to the other. Essentially, use good problem-solving skills. All the best!